its been a while since ive sat down and legitimately typed down what ive felt to you but you know, people get busy right?

lifewise-im going great i suppose. one of the few things that is going well. Im living, new house is nice. had my birthday party but ill get into that some other time.. most likely in a video thats something i would rather talk about than type. but you know its just life right now. i think im doing well in my internship and im opening up doors for me. lifewise im going to college so that would be great. UCI im pretty excited but eh, i need to be there to start realizing how much im doing for myself. i know i technically am doing alot and making my life "set" but i mean, im not really looking forward to "future"... im looking more... "now" you know?. well lets go on, life isnt where i really want my focus to be at right now.

RELATIONSHITS - i love/hate this word. i mean... it explains my relationship life exactly... but i hate it because its so true. in the past how many years... how often have i been able to say i am truly happy with where i want to be relationshipwise? my last relationship was edna and that was freshman year.. after that it was all flings and short comings... nothing really materialized from what i DID want [neslene, jamie, leanne]... and aside from them all the girls that i did talk to was just mainly there for comforting purposes, for somebody to just be there you know?

the whole thing with this lady though... its liek.... i know.. or at least am pretty sure that nothing will materialize so i just try to view it as a friendship... but slowly as i get to know her even more and more.. its the whole... "id date you so hard... then id marry the shit out of you" type thing... i like the conversations.. how we get each other alot.. and i feel like thats what makes a relationship worthit and real. but eh... im not the type to talk about feelings too often or even just bring it up... i dont want things to get weird and shit. shes too cool for that. meh. i really need to find somebody that would just take me out of that zone and think of my other options. i mean shes great and all it just... im pretty sure its not gonna work.

which brings me to clubbing.. that one girl adrian made me dance with was REALLY cute... really attractive and really nice.. i was just too pussy to ask for her digits... but eh i mean... what can i say right? thats on me... and tell me why when we went clubbing i got a bit jealous seeing her dance with some guy. i mean i dont care and all... but i did get a bit jealous. but hey fuck it right?

sidenote:i never realized how long it takes me to actually finish a typing post o.o

hmph

DANCE - i feel like if anything im not getting anywhere with dance... im not getting better in my own eyes. but eh, what can i say right? i feel like the times i love the piece and do it the best to my ability in my mind... isnt good enough at all.. when i think about the times ive ever been called up... its been about 3.. maybe 4 times in the good 6 years ive been dancing. that shit sucks... and people who have been dancing relatively shorter than me have grown and done so much more than i have. it just sucks to think about it that way.. i mean not to take away from them at all but it feels like im just a shit dancer compared to them and other people as well. i mean i know ive won awards for [rookie of the year] [most improved] [most dedicated] amongst my clowning awards.. but still i mean shit... i dont see the fruits of my work at all is what i think of it... it makes me scared thinking about trying to dance in irvine.. i feel as if all of them are on a different level than i am and shit. sure it gives me motivation to work harder and all but it doesnt only do that.. it makes me scared as well that im not good enough. i never ever want to be not good enough. one of my fears i suppose. i mean i really wanna make CG but seeing some of them while i was taking class with them.. i was just in awe and shock... so iono im just scared i suppose. fuck.  man maybe i should just quit dance but ugh iono -__-.. if anything sure it helps to hear people say "yeah reimill your good at dancing" but at the same time.. i just feel like theyre just saying that to make me feel better. if anything i dont think im that great.. i think im just average.. and thats what i pride myself in a certain way.. i try to be as modest as possible but at the same time you know.. its just hard to think that you dont see progress in yourself.

i know now why i like typing better.. i dont feel like im bitching to hard and i dont get interrupted.. sure its nice to hear feedback but when im talking i usually just like talking and just expressing myself... dont try to make me feel better.. i mean sure thats what talking it out is all about right? but im weird... i feel better just getting it out... i dont really need advice.. i know 99.9% of the time already what needs to be done in my stead.. im just a complainer i suppose... i dont like to "bitch" about shit but when i do talk i just wanna "complain"... thats it i suppose. im not necessarily going help me out with this.. its just more of... this is whats on my mind.

i realized that when i talked to both joe and pam about shits... but i mean i like that they are nice enough to step in you know... its just the fact that im used to talking//typing without anything in return. so it was different, if anything i felt like i blew off on both of them at one point. :/

well whatever fuck it right?

thanks for listening xanga, i love you for that... thats all i wanted.

[i just remembered from one of my classes.. communication for females is more of a listening type thing and for males its more of a directive type... sadly i think im more of the female when it comes to talking about my personal ish]

<4